Chapter One, Part II or Getting Conned in Con Law

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It was time to go to Constitutional Law taught by Professor Tracy, the professor who taught Criminal Law last semester. Davis Law made Criminal Law a required course for all 1Ls and Jake had the unfortunate experience of being a 1L last year. Jake had never been so bored in his entire life. Yes, Professor Tracy was funny at times and he did possess a wicked sense of humor, but he was boring. Although Jake never had a root canal or any major oral surgery, he knew several people who had undergone such procedures. On some days, Jake would have gladly undergone a root canal without anesthetic. One could put an insomniac to sleep with one of Professor Tracy's lectures on the analysis on the various interpretations of the word "commit" in state criminal statutes. It was a perfect money making opportunity. There was, however, the possibility the tape could put a person into a permanent coma. Professor Tracy's lectures could be broken down into the following outline:

1. Introductory material on topic
a. Legal history of topic since English common law
b. Political theories involving interpretation of topic
2. The Case-Hypothetical Sandwich
a. Case
i. Facts of case
ii. Jokes
iii. Holding
iv. Jokes
b. Hypothetical Questions-These consist of mutiple variations of a single theme. It's the case, but with different facts. Repeat until students get tired or until Professor gives a mini-lecture that he finds interesting, but most students do not find interesting.
c. Open Discussion-Professor asks class for their opinion. If nobody answers, Professor Tracy gives his personal opinion on the topic or he heckles students until someone gives one.
d. Repeat steps 2(a)-2(c) until end of class.
3. Assignment for next class period.
4. Students give sigh of relief and rush out of the room.

Today was no exception. After filling out a seating chart (Jake never understood the point of having one. Everyone was an adult and this was law school. Besides, even with the seating chart, professors still got names wrong.), Jake prepared himself for the impending lecture on the theories of Constitutional Interpretation. He would have been more excited about this topic, as it sounded like an interesting topic, but the casebook was poorly written. Jake should have expected this to occur. After all, the same publisher (Aspen Publishing) printed his Civil Procedure II casebook and that was a poorly written casebook. Maybe "poorly written" was a bad description. It was as if the author scattered a thousand cases on the floor and let a hundred Mexican Hairless Chihuahuas loose. Whatever cases survived the onslaught and came out unscathed went inside the casebook. The "monkeys randomly typing on keyboards" analogy worked, but he considered it too cliché for his taste.
Instead of the Lecture of Drowsiness, Professor Tracy went into a discussion about the class syllabus. Why Professor Tracy decided to talk about the syllabus was beyond Jake's comprehension. It was straight forward and listed all the information that was needed like assignments, contact information, and the time of the final. Unless you were illiterate or amazingly stupid, it was virtually impossible to misunderstand the syllabus. There was no need to talk about the freaking class syllabus, but Professor Tracy found a need.
Jake decided to use the Internet while Professor Tracy talked about the syllabus. God, his first day as a 2L at Davis Law was going badly. If it was this bad on the first day, the rest of the school year wouldn't be any better. This conclusion, if analyzed thoroughly, was based upon faulty assumptions, but in law school, conclusions based upon faulty assumptions turned out to be correct in the end. On the flip side, conclusions based upon sound assumptions turned out to be correct in the end also. You always ended up coming up with the right conclusion. In general, the conclusion you came to wasn't very positive.
While he was checking out websites, Jake received an IM from Elizabeth Grant, who went by the name of FoxyGrant. Jake came up with her ScreenName during one of their regular meetings at a locally owned coffee shop and not one of the steamroller successes coming from Seattle. She had installed AOL IM on her computer and she couldn't come up with a name she liked. Jake suggested "FoxyGrant" as Elizabeth was a fox in two ways. She was quick and intelligent like the animal and she was attractive, if not beautiful. Elizabeth liked his suggestion and used it as her AOL IM name.

FoxyGrant: i'm glad you're coming on saturday. been a while since i last saw ya.
JakeLau: Fox! It has been a long time since I last saw you. What are you up to?
FoxyGrant: got an accounting job at lowell & park. also moved to a new place at foxbridge townhouses.
JakeLau: Nice. Very nice. When will you learn to use the Shift key? At least you use punctuation correctly.
FoxyGrant: never. you know me well by now. how ya doin?
JakeLau: Fine. But I'm stuck in a boring class right now. And you?
FoxyGrant: that's too bad. i'm doing well. work sometimes gets dull.
JakeLau: You don't know dull until you take a Con Law class. Instant sleeping pill.
FoxyGrant: ha! it can't be that bad. you are sarcastic sometimes.
JakeLau: It's that bad. I had the professor for Crim Law. Remember when you visited last semester.
FoxyGrant: i do. the people were friendly, especially the guys.
FoxyGrant: some of them were handsome...
JakeLau: They were "friendly" 'cause you're beautiful. I had to beat your suitors away.
JakeLau: Enough about the guys you liked. You sat in Crim Law also.
FoxyGrant: it was funny seeing you acting as a bodyguard. kinda cute.
FoxyGrant: you never did that earlier when we were in middle school and high school.
FoxyGrant: i wonder why.
JakeLau: Crim Law...remember?
FoxyGrant: don't remind me. that class was boring.
FoxyGrant: i gotta get back to work. boss is walking by...
JakeLau: Bye. See you on Saturday.
FoxyGrant: see ya!

Jake glanced at his watch. It was 12:15. Five minutes until class officially ended and Professor Tracy was still talking about the class syllabus. Jake wondered how anyone could talk so much about a syllabus. Professor Tracy winded down and finished talking about the syllabus and the grading scheme he was going to use for the final.
"So, that's all you need to know about the syllabus and how things will be done in this class," droned Professor Tracy. "Now, the first topic we're going to learn are the theories on Constitutional Interpretation. However, it seems as if class is about to end soon. So, because of this fact, I'm going to end class early and I will begin this lecture on Constitutional Interpretation next week on Monday. Your assignment will be pages 1 through 31 in your casebook. Read up to the second full paragraph on page 31. Well, see you all next week on Monday."
Jake quickly packed up his laptop and his casebook. He rushed out the doors and exited Gray Hall. It was time to go home and have lunch. His first day at Gray Hall was over. He couldn't wait for the weekend.
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Come back soon and see Jake make attempts at socializing. The next installment of this saga will be posted soon...as in most likely tomorrow.