Chapter Four: Geeks, Dorks, Nerds, and a Birthday Wish

"Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one."
-Bill Gates
"I'm basically a sexless geek. Look at me, I have pasty-white skin, I have acne scars and I'm five-foot-nothing. Does that sound like a real sexual dynamo to you?"
-Mike Myers
"I think I've been able to fool a lot of people because I know I'm a dork."
-Gwen Stefani

It was a nice fall day for once. After a miserable week of wet weather, complete with fog, freezing-cold rain, and dark, steel-gray skies, Jake was tired of the lousy weather. It was worse than the notoriously (and highly exaggerated) bad English weather. It was like being a sock in God's gigantic Maytag washing machine stuck in a perpetual rinse cycle. Despite the assertions of people, the weather in England is not as bad or as rainy and foggy as people claim. Yes, when it got foggy, it was as thick as the proverbial "pea soup," but it wasn't rainy or even cloudy every day. The sun does shine and when it is nice and sunny in England, people take advantage of it. When Jake saw the sun and noted it was cool, but not cold outside, he wanted to go out. But he was stuck inside Evidence and he had another thirty minutes until the end of class.
Jake thoroughly enjoyed Evidence and Professor Pearson's eccentric personality and teaching style (a combination of role playing, histronic drama, and real life examples), but he wanted to go outside. Jake couldn't pinpoint why he had the restless feeling, but it might have something to do with Joe Shaffer launching into a rambling question involving Federal Rule of Evidence 702 and expert witnesses. Once Jake saw Joe raise his hand, Jake's mind switched from "focus in Evidence class" mode into "let's go outside" mode. This was a vast improvement over the obsessive-compulsive, laser-like focus on Clarissa that possessed his mind during the first few weeks of his relationship.
His thoughts, when not focusing on things related to law school, would focus on Clarissa and what she was doing at this moment or how nice their last date went or something of that nature. This wasn't bad, but it became dangerous at certain times, especially when driving and you have to focus on noticing the flow of traffic or when cooking dinner and your arm is directly over a hot pan or an open flame. Of course, she was still on his mind, but at a more healthy level, at least one that allowed his mind to focus on potential dangers like speeding cars while driving and normal social interaction. It lessened the possibility of sounding like a stalker. One can talk about a person only so often and in so much detail before sounding creepy.
"Mr. Lau." Jake snapped back into attention and the real world. "Since you are so knowledgeable about illegal drugs, you can play the role of the expert, a chemist for the police department."
The class laughed. Jake gained a reputation in Evidence for having an encyclopedic wealth of knowledge about illegal drugs. Professor Pearson enjoyed, no relished, coming up with opportunities for Jake to "share" this information with the class. OK, maybe that last sentence should be reworded. It wasn't an opportunity for Jake to share his knowledge, it was mainly for laughs. What is more humorous than a law school student who knows way too much about illegal drugs? In general, information that the normal person wouldn't know unless they've been reading very interesting materials, personally know narcotics officers, or have personal experience with substances of such nature. Jake belonged into the first category, as he was a voracious reader of books not related to law school. He did read the casebooks, but a good book about synthetic designer drugs was more interesting.
Jake said, "Sure, why not? Before I take on this role, I have to ask a quick question."
Professor Pearson answered, "OK. What is it?"
Jake had a crooked grin on his face. "Any police officers in here? If there are any here, I ain't saying anything."
The class laughed and Professor Pearson barked out a laugh. "Mr. Lau, shall we begin?"
He handed Jake a little packet made out of the cheap brown paper towels that the law school used. The paper towels barely absorbed any water. The packet contained a white powder that Jake knew was powdered soap and not an illegal substance. Jake was reminded of a rumor he heard while an undergraduate at Davis University. His physics professor told him that the powdered soap was manufactured by the maximum security prisoners at the state penitentiary. It was probably a false rumor, but one could never tell, with all the cuts in the education budget. The state had a reputation for the creative ways they cut corners and "creative" generally meant acts that could be interpreted as possibly criminal.
Professor Pearson asked, "Mr. Lau, as a chemist for the DEA, what was the substance inside the package?"
Jake paused and said, "Analysis showed that the substance was 100 grams of cocaine. Further testing put the purity of the cocaine at 99%, which is about as pure and uncut as one can get."
"What tests did you do in order to determing this?" Professor Pearson paused and asked, "By any chance, do you really know how they do this?"
Jake cocked his head back. He said, "Of course I do. Would you like to hear the process? It's quite simple."
Professor Pearson said, "No. I think that's enough. You sure you're not a criminal?"
The professor explained the basics of Rule 702 using the relevant parts of the previous exchange. An expert witness must be qualified. They must have relevant experience in a subject matter pertinent to the case. For example, in a drug possession case, the scientist testing the drugs should have actual lab experience in drug testing. In addition, they should also testify about the proper subject matter. It would be foolish to allow a medical doctor specializing in cancer to testify about building safety. This summary of Rule 702 took up the rest of the class period. At the end of the class, Professor Pearson let everyone leave.
**********
Jake quickly packed up his laptop and slung his backpack and laptop case over his shoulder. He wove his way through the forest of chairs and tables and exited Gray Hall through the main ground floor exit. Jake made a beeline to the benches outside. He sat down and enjoyed the sunshine. While he was sitting outside, Will Thomas and Clarissa joined him.
Will Thomas was the 2L class president and one of Jake's friends at Davis Law. Every Thursday, one can see him with his cohorts at one of the bars near the law school. Three in particular--The Lion, The Eagle's Nest, and Taylor's--formed what Davis University students call "The Bermuda Triangle." Those who venture there will disappear from the face of the Earth, never to be seen for extended periods of time, until they mysteriously reappear at closing time. For most bars, this was at 2:00 AM. College students, in particular, law school students will mass upon these venerable drinking establishments on Thursday nights and weekends for one reason: beer. This is the traditional adult beverage of choice for law school students. They would down stronger liqour, but this was an expensive habit, unless it was TGIT and shots were $2 each at a club. One could also find Will at El Torreo, one of the better Mexican restaurants in town. He was a great guy to hang around with.
Clarissa sat down on the bench and rested her head on Jake's shoulder. Jake felt her breath on his neck as he ran his fingers through her hair.
Jake said, "Hey, Will."
Will said, "Hello, Jake." He looked at Jake and Clarissa. "You said you had no luck with women. And you end up dating her. What's up with that?"
Jake smiled wanly. "Seriously, I didn't expect this to happen. What brings you outside?"
"We've got a question to ask you. You seem to know a bit. Hey, Riss, what was the question?"
Clarissa said, "Huh?" Apparently she had started to nap while outside. She discovered that Jake's shoulder and the black leather jacket he wore made a decent pillow. That and the sunshine lulled her into sleep. "Yeah. Is there a difference between geeks, nerds, and dorks? I say there is a difference and Will says there isn't a difference. What is it?"
Jake replied, "Ah, and I thought you would ask me something differenent. The difference between geeks, nerds, and dorks. Well, you've come to the right person." This answer would take a while and to express the subtle differences would take some effort in choosing the right words. "To be honest, this answer might take a while. I really can't give you a clear and definite answer, as there are subtle nuances. You sure you want to hear the whole answer?"
Will and Clarissa nodded.
Jake said, "OK, let's begin with word history. Please excuse me while I go on a discourse, as I was an English major and I took a course on the evolution of the English language. Today, the words geek, nerd, and dork have a similar meaning. Several hundred years ago, they had vastly different meanings than they have today. Originally, the word geek meant a person who bit the heads off of chickens."
Will and Clarissa looked at him with unbelieving faces. Clarissa said, "A person who bit the heads off of chickens? It originally meant that?"
Jake continued. "Yes, it did several hundred years ago. You should read the Oxford English Dictionary sometimes. I am well acquainted with that reference book. I digress. The word dork, interestingly enough, among those who study whales, is a term referring to a whale's penis, species undefined. Finally, the word nerd was invented by Theodore Giesel, better known as Dr. Seuss. He came up with this word in his book, If I Ran the Zoo."
"Man, Jake, you really need to get out more," Will commented.
Clarissa said, "He has. We had an interesting time last week. Have you seen him wield a sword? Incredible."
Will said, "Jake with a sword? I've got to see that."
Jake sighed and said, "We can talk about this later. Your question, remember?"
Will said, "The question. Where were you?"
Jake continued with his lecture. "Now, they had different meanings. But now, most people consider them interchangeable words. When this happened, I'm not too sure. Now, the basic answer to your question is that there are differences between the words. The differences, however, are subtle. This answer is not influenced by the person sitting next to me. It's based upon personal experience."
Clarissa smiled at William that said "I was right."
Jake said, "Now, there are similarities between the three types. All of them, when they are hardcore examples, don't seem to exist in this plane of reality. They're outsiders. They could care less about a social life like what to wear, what to watch on television, what to do. This is true of computer geeks. They wear what's comfortable and utilitarian, sometimes their clothing choices are limited in taste: jeans and a T-shirt. And yet, despite this level of unconformity with society, they are up to date with what's going on in the world. Things like current events, politics, sports, etc. What's scary is that once they go do what they like, they focus so intensely that the entire world passes them by. There could be a gangland shootout happening outside their door and they won't notice a single thing. It's that bad."
Will thought for a moment and said, "I think I've seen you go into that mode."
Clarissa added, "No, you haven't seen him really focused. It's at a level that's scary. Real scary.""OK, that's enough," Jake interjected. "The true dork, the true geek, the true nerd, well, is scary. Not to be stereotypical, but when I refer to geeks, nerds, and dorks, I am talking about a male. I don't mean scary in the traditional way--as in ghosts and goblins--but in a different way. Everyone has experienced social faux pauxs like saying certain four-letter words at inappropriate times or burping after a drink, but the true geek, nerd, or dork has a complete lack of embarrassment about it. Now, let's go talk about the differences. What do you want to hear about first?"