Chapter Fourteen: Women Only Want Guys With Skills or the Davis Law Talent Show

"When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap."
-Cynthia Heimel
"Facts have a cruel way of substituting themselves for fancies. There is nothing more remorseless, just as there is nothing more helpful, than truth."
-William C. Redfield
"Comedy equals truth plus pain."
-John Vorhaus

The month of April is a busy month in the law school calendar. It seems as if every single group has an event planned and every professor has a paper due during this month. One of the minority law school student groups--HALSA, BALSA, NALSA or ALSA--hosts the Diversity in Law Banquet. The Student Bar Association holds the Barrister Ball, the law school equivalent of the high school prom. As a side note, there are many similarities between high school and law school. The lowly 1Ls have to deal with a written summary judgment assignment and a mock trial. Jake wasn't so big on these events. Only one event held during the month of April was near and dear to his heart. The Davis Law Talent Show.
Jake wouldn't have went to the Talent Show, let alone volunteer in the Talent Show if it weren't for a conversation involving Sarah Carpenter and several people in his small section when he was a 1L. His small group had the habit of gathering together and talk before Lawyering small section classes. During one of their meetings, Sarah Carpenter mentioned she was responsible for "finding talent" for the Davis Law Talent Show, a fundraiser held every year by the Women in Law society. She asked for volunteers and mentioned that there were prizes for winners. Jake jokingly said, "Yeah, and I'm going to do impressions." Jake thought he had said it in a comically-serious tone that implied sarcasm and everyone would join in and laugh. Apparently, Jake was wrong. After he said this, several people mentioned they would pay money to see Jake perform. Sarah used this against him. For an entire week, she would use every method of persuasion--mainly "If you don't sign up, I'll keep on bothering you"--until she got her way, namely, Jake signing up.
To be honest, the experience wasn't so bad. In fact, Jake got an unnaturally good high from performing. Despite his tendencies to become nervous when performing in front of large groups (two or more people), Jake didn't crack under pressure. In fact, he became even more enthusiastic with his performance. He ad-libbed an entire performance and put in a bunch of politically incorrect jokes about Michael Jackson, Woody Allen, and adoption. To make a long story short, he brought the house down, went into Davis Law history, and became filthy rich after a Hollywood talent scout gave him a multi-million dollar contract. Just kidding. If only events in life were that easy. He just brought the house down, went into Davis Law history, became friends with Melissa Trent and others, and became a mini-celebrity in his own right. During the summer, Elizabeth Grant met many Davis Law students and they all mentioned Jake Lau and his performance on Talent Night.
Jake had lots of fun last year making politically incorrect jokes and impressions. This year, he wanted to do some stand-up comedy. But not garden-variety stuff. Something inflammatory along the lines of George Carlin or Dave Chappelle. He wanted to perform comedy that was politically incorrect, sharp and thought-provoking. Comedy that made you laugh at the ugly truth. Everyone, especially the professors, talked about law school "being an open forum for ideas and you were free to say what was on your mind. After all, we are all adults." Jake was going to test how far he could go. In this routine, there were no sacred cows; they all got converted to hamburgers and steak. He was going to forcefully shove the "free" into the "free speech."
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The emcee walked up to the microphone. She said, "Our next performer participated in last year's Talent Show. He did impressions and proved he had the largest testicles at Davis University Law. This year, he's going to show other equally impressive things by doing standup comedy."
She feigned exaggeration. "He's quite possibly the friendliest, happiest, most energetic person you'll ever meet at law school! Please give a loud round of applause to our next performer...Jake Lau!"
The audience roared. Given last year's performance, they knew Jake was going to be entertaining. Jake performed last year with a fiery enthusiasm and people saw him burn. Even if he wasn't funny, Jake knew they would leave entertained.
Jake walked painfully slow, with his shoulders slouched to the microphone. People laughed. Jake used an old trick in comedy. He defeated their expectation by building up tension and defeating their expectations. Jake said in a deadpan voice, "Hi, my name is Jake Lau." He paused for a beat and continued. "As you can see, I am really nervous right now."
Jake stuttered, "I'm kinda embarrassed to say this, but I'm a...a..." He blurted out, "Virgin. This is my first time doing it on stage in front of a large audience."
The audience laughed. Jake paused again. "I mean stand up comedy." He whispered, "Please be gentle."
Jake continued with his routine. "I get nervous around women. Especially when their good-looking females, like all the females in this audience. Damn. Stay calm. Stay calm."
He started to shake his hands. "Excuse me for a moment." He took out a bottle from his pocket and opened it. He shook out two breath mints and popped them into his mouth. He then opened a bottle and took a long swallow from it. The bottle contained soda, but it was covered in a paper bag. Everything was carefully scripted. Fool the eye. Make them see what you want them to see.
"Ahh...much better." He feigned mock indignation. "What?"
Jake said, "Dating in law school. I used to have problems...." Jake paused to take another drink. Another laugh. "With getting a date. I wonder why." Another laugh. "Not any more. Really. It should be easy. You have at least two things in common. One, you're both in law school. Two, you're both alive." Jake paused and feigned exasperation. "If THAT'S NOT ENOUGH, well, all the single people here are all screwed."
Another round of laughter.
Jake continued with his routine. "Now I'm really lucky. I'll let you know the secret." He paused and said, "I'm Asian. As an Asian male in law school, I have two qualities that make me irresistable. One, I'm smart."
He said with emphasis, "Two, I've got a big bulge in my pants. It's loaded with six inches that drive women crazy. It gets embarrasing sometimes. I might be talking to a girl and their eyes go down there immediately. Or if I'm dancing, they brush up against me and they feel it. One girl, when she saw it, her eyes opened really wide. She was very happy and quite surprised."
Jake said, " I was talking about my wallet! What do you think I was talking about? PERVERTS!" There was another round of laughter. He changed his tone of voice. " Oh...I see. I have other equally impressive qualities about me. My girlfriend knows what they are."
He whispered conspiratorially, "Ladies, if you would like to know what they are...I'll be available after this performance. You know what to do."
Jake continued. "Asians. You know all those stereotypes? How the females are secret sex fiends? How the males are all martial arts experts? How they all eat sticky rice and ramen everyday? They're all true. Especially the rice. No real Asian eats Minute Rice. Asians call it 'white people rice.' You know what you call an Asian who eats Minute Rice? An Uncle Bens."
"But is sucks sometimes. I used to be a San Francisco 49ers fan before Joe Montana and Jerry Rice left. I bought one of those retro jerseys and the store owner said 'You must have bought a Jerry Rice jersey. I can tell. All you Asians likea rice.' I said, 'Yes, Asians likea rice. But, it's a Joe Montana jersey, asshole.' Then I beat him up with my patented kung-fu dragon kick to the groin. Just kidding. I didn't kick him. I just knocked him out with my wooden staff."
Jake paused. He saw that everyone was laughing uncontrollably. It was time to pull out the edgier material. He said, "You know what Asians like more than rice? Dogs. They're great, but they're somewhat chewy." People still laughed. Amazing. Drunk people would laugh at anything.
"You never want to visit during dinner time. You hear conversations like, 'Where's Appetizer? We don't have Appetizer. What about Main Dish? We got Main Dish and Dessert. What happened to Appetizer?' You think this is normal, but then you hear the response and you know you're not hungry anymore: 'He ran away.' Yeah."
Jake continued. "Movies. Asian men always get screwed over. White guy like James Bond saves the world and in the end, he gets the girl. Well, he gets multiple girls, but you get my point. Black guy fights crime, saves the city from the drug lords, and gets the girl. The Asian guy? He's the token grocery store owner. Or he is the laundromat owner."
More laughs. Jake continued. "If the Asian guy is the hero, he beats ninjas, finds a cure for cancer, and saves the world using his knowledge in engineering. In the end, what does he get? A handshake from the girl. If he's lucky, he might get a friendly hug."
Jake had some more stuff from his bag. "To be honest, some Asians think I'm some sort of sell out. I don't speak the mother tongue of my supposed homeland. I know very little of the mother culture. The worst sin I've committed? They don't care that I'm dating a non-Asian. Oh no. I don't drive a Honda."
More laughs. "They can forgive you for dating outside of your race, but drive an American car...it's sacrilege. I know some Asian culture, so I'm not Wonder Bread or something like that. I sure as hell ain't no cracker without any flavor. I'm a ricecake."
Jake saw his watch. It was time for his routine to end. "It's time for me to go. Being an industrious Asian, I've got to go home to wash clothes and study. Just kidding. Actually, I have to go represent the East Side...of the globe. It's time for me to get with the ladies. I don't want to disappoint them. See ya. Later."
The crowd erupted with their applause. They were standing on their feet clapping and chanting "Encore." Jake took a bow and walked off the stage. His performance was over.
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Jake got some compliments. Most people said he did a great job and he was the best performer that night. A lot said that they weren't disappointed. Some asked him what he was going to do next year. Jake politely answered their questions, stating that he didn't know.
Of course, there was the issue involving prizes. Jake knew he did a pretty good job. The members of the audience knew he did a pretty good job, so it seemed pretty obvious that Jake should have received one prize, even one of the smaller ones. He didn't, much to the dismay of the audience members. He did, however, receive the unofficial "Biggest Testicles" award again. Oh well. It was something, but it wasn't the same as winning an iPod Nano, the first place prize. Even the third place prize, a $50 gift certificate would have been nice. Then again, Jake really didn't enter the Davis Talent Show with the expectations of winning anything. He entered with the expectation of getting kicked off stage. At least they recognized his talents in being politically incorrect. Next year, he was going to really push the boundaries. But first, he was going to have a drink with his girlfriend. His actual girlfriend he was currently dating right now and not his fictional female groupies. She was quite enough.