Interlude #3, Gray Hall Two

INTERLUDE THREE: RANDOM CONVERSATIONS FROM LAW SCHOOL
I really feel as human beings, we need more training in our basic social skills. Conversational distance: Don’t you hate these people that talk into your mouth like you’re a clown at a drive-through?
--Jerry Seinfeld
And I was drinking Jaegermeister, which I believe is the liquid equivalent of Wonder Woman’s golden lasso, because it will make you tell anybody the truth for no reason whatsoever.
--Margaret Cho
A study shows college girls talk about sex at least as much as college guys. They just tell the truth.
--Jay Leno

Law school produces images of young, bright, good-looking men and women. These future litigating machines are all well-dressed wearing preppy clothing. The professors are distinguished men and women wearing suits, looking like they argued an important case in front of the Supreme Court. These professors speak in dulcet tones, each word having significant meaning, each lecture carefully constructed and brilliant in nature. The students lean forward, listening to every word in earnest rapture, entranced by such learned knowledge.
We take a look at the classroom. It's a handsome, high-tech affair complete with the latest technology. Antiseptic and clean with modern lines. Or it's a venerable lecture hall, with the right amount of polished wood. In either case, this classroom belongs in a hallowed institution with a reputation for excellence.
And the students, oh, we can't forget about the students. Their conversations sound so educated. They speak easily about the legal ramifications of a certain case. They ask excellent questions. They know the law. People can feel confident that the future of America is safe in their hands.
Then reality hits. Law school is definitely not like this Hollywood image. Instead of brilliant conversations, we get the mundane. Law school does not come close to what Hollywood portrays. You get much less than what you expected. If one eavesdropped on a typical law school conversation among students and the interaction that occurred in classrooms, one will get a different view of law school. Here are some actual and random stuff that people have said in law school. Beware, once you read these snippets, you might question legal education and possibly, the future of America. A lot of these conversations involve alcohol, just so you know.
A 1L Girl and a 1L Guy at a bar
1L Girl: What are you going to mix that rum with?
1L Guy: Trouble and bad circumstances.
*****
During a drunken Halloween party
3L Girl #1: Your bra is undone!
3L Girl #2: I tried to fix it, but I have a donut in my hand!
*****
Overheard in the informal commons
1L Girl: Did you see the Oscars on Sunday?
1L Guy: Uh, no. I don't watch the Oscars.
1L Girl: Why not?
1L Guy: Only gay guys, married men, or guys with girlfriends watch the Oscars.
1L Girl (to Random Guy walking by): Did you see the Oscars?
Random Guy: Yeah, I did.
1L Girl (to 1L Guy): See! I told you so!
1L Guy (to Random Guy): Are you married?
Random Guy: Yeah. I watched it with my wife. She made me watch it with her.
1L Guy: Told you!
1L Girl (to 1L Guy): I hate you.
*****
Overheard in the law library
3L Girl #1 (searching in her purse): I wonder where did I put it?
3L Girl #2: What are you talking about?
3L Girl #3: Shh! We're in the library. And I think you're drunk.
3L Girl #1: No I'm not. I only had two margaritas...I think.
3L Girl #2: You're drunk.
3L Girl #1: I found it! (Pulls out a condom and waves it around. She starts screaming in a slurred and drunken manner.) Look what I found in my purse! It's a condom!
Librarian: I'm in the information field and knowing stuff is what my job entails. That, however, was something I don't want to know about.
3L Girl #2 & #3: Oops. Sorry about that. We'll keep her quiet.
Librarian: You'd better or I'll have to kick you out.

Of course, those snippets weren't from the classroom. Those conversations might seem to be prejudicial in nature, showing the less-academic side of law school students. Now, we'll have a look at some student snippets from the classroom. Think of this as Socratic Method Gone Wild.
Contracts Professor: Can he (1L #1) sell himself to me?
1L #2: Well, I think so. I guess in the right marketplace.
Prof: What kind of marketplace?
1L #2: A Nevada brothel?
*****
Professor: Is there any expectation of privacy in a bathroom stall?
1L #1: I would expect some privacy.
Professor: OK, what behavior might be public in a bathroom stall?
1L #1: Well, you expect people can see your feet. Also, people can hear the sounds you make...
Professor: What if there are two sets of legs in there? What should the officer do?
1L #1: I don't know.
Professor: (Asking 1L #2): What should the officer do?
1L #2: Knock and announce?
*****
3L: So is it possible that a really unscrupulous plaintiff's lawyer would say a couple was married and claim loss of consortium even if they weren't?
Pretrial Practice Professor: Well, it's possible. But at some point during discovery, you're likely to interview or depose the wife. If two people come in wearing wedding rings and say they're married, you're likely to believe them. If you have doubts, you can always ask for a copy of the marriage certificate.
3L: Oh, okay.
PPP: Well, unless you're in litigation with Anna Nicole Smith. Then get everything in writing.
*****
Crim Pro Prof: If you have nothing to hide do you just let the police go through your house?
Student #1: If you've got nothing to hide then who cares. Leave the windows wide open, save money on air conditioning.
Student #2: You can still have things to hide that aren't illegal.

Finally, some excellent legal insights from law professors. Remembering these little hints can save you a lot of trouble and hassle…not that you’re going to cause problems and actually need to remember this stuff.
If you ever want to become a lawyer, or if you are practicing in the legal profession, the following will definitely be useful.
Professor: Well, all my friends have said that if you want to be in law school and then accepted by the bar... don't EVER have more than an ounce of marijuana on you. I mean, having a quarter bag and giving it out to your friends is something you do in undergrad...
Torts professor: "Death is oftentimes a lot cheaper than life. So I guess if you run someone over and you think they're going to be a quadriplegic, back up and run them over a few more times."
Criminal Procedure Professor: Nobody wins felony possession cases. If you're a felon, and you're in possession of a weapon, you lose. The prosecutor wins every time. My dog, who is eleven and has dementia, could win these cases. If only she could figure out how to open the door and get the felon on the stand, I'm telling you she could win. And she can't see.
Professor: When you take the Bar Exam, you're going to leave feeling like you missed half the questions. And guess what? You probably did.
MPRE Review Instructor: Regarding sleeping with your clients, if you start sleeping with them after the attorney-client relationship is formed, that's a no-no and you have to pull out. I mean withdraw. Crap. Okay, you can't be their lawyer anymore.
Crim Pro Prof: "What should a reasonable crack possessor answer when the officer can feel the rock during a Terry frisk? That's easy. 'It's a gumball!'"
Trial Advocacy Prof: "You have the 5th amendment right to remain silent, at least for the next couple of days. That is until they change it to be a violation of the Patriot Act."
Evidence Prof: "If you were caught in a known drug house, with 135 packets of cocaine on the table in front of you, a razor with cocaine on it, a scale, a gun, and $2500 in cash, would you want to talk about the evidence?"

And that's a good representative sample of random conversations coming from law school. It's not the ultra-smart place you thought it would be. Think of it as a version of high school, just with more liquor involved.