Interlude Two and Chapter Five

INTERLUDE TWO: COULD YOU PLEASE STATE THAT IN ENGLISH?
Circumlocution, n. A literary trick whereby the writer who has nothing to say breaks it gently to the reader.
--Ambrose Bierce
We shall never understand one another until we reduce the language to seven words.
--Kahlil Gibran
Men are apt to believe what they least understand
--Montaigne
It helps greatly to use...a term not understood.
--Arnald of Villanova


According to the American Heritage College Dictionary, the word "communicate" is a verb stemming from the Latin word communis or common. One of the definitions of this word is "to express oneself in such a way that one is readily and clearly understood." Given the Latin stem and the definition of the word, one can assume that effective communication requires that both parties involved in the act understands each other. Without both parties understanding each other, there can be no effective communication. After all, if one or both parties do not understand each other, serious problems are a result.
Law school, like many professional schools like medical school, sadly, does not teach their students how to communicate effectively. The language taught at law school, commonly called "legalese," is akin to the language used in George Orwell's novel 1984. In 1984, the New World is a dystopian world where people blindly follow an all-powerful leader. The government controls everything. People think they are free, but they are not free. Everyone is forced to speak a language called NewSpeak, a language that covers the truth under a veil of smoke and mirrors. Cryptic brevity is the key to NewSpeak, a brevity that is frightening and numbs the speaker and listener to a mindless state.
In the article "English Is Our Second Language," the author writes about Medspeak, a brand of meaningless communication used in medical school and by doctors. Responses to the article expand on this topic. The simplest concept becomes a confusing, impressive, and intimidating concept. What has emotional impact when stated in simple English becomes neutral and harmless when spoken in Medspeak:
When do arms and legs become extremities? Why do patients ambulate, visualize, articulate and masticate when the rest of us walk, see, talk and chew?.... Little wonder that physicians are accused of dehumanizing patients.
Of course, these examples come from the medical realm, but legalese, just like Medspeak, is full of foreign phrases and specialized terms that only lawyers understand and what law students have to suddenly learn in their first year.
I, the author of this work, own a copy of Black's Law Dictionary. This is the seminal reference book when it comes to legal dictionaries. But instead of the handsome, full-sized, unabridged leather-bound edition, I own the pocket edition. This pocket edition is a worthy version as it is up-to-date, fully defines more than 10,000 terms, and every entry is straight from the Seventh Edition of Black's Law Dictionary. In essence, it is a compact version of the real thing. Sort of like an iPod Nano instead of a regular iPod. Nearly all of the functionality of the larger version, but in a smaller package.
But think about it. The smaller version has over 10,000 terms; many of these terms are terms that most people will not understand. One needs examples to understand how bad legalese can get.
It's not a job-related perk, it is an emolument. It is not work performed for free, it is pro bono. It is not an exact quote from a source, it is ipsissima verba. It is not personal property, it is chattel. They're not your children or descendants, but they're your progeny who might have come from a fertile octogenarian. But then again, the fertile octogenarian is a legal fiction that could violate the rule against perpetuities. Ah, but depending on your jurisdiction, they might have a cy pres rule meaning that the state you live in has a wait and see rule. If you want to transfer possession to someone, it is a form of delivery, but there are many forms of delivery, again, depending on your jurisdiction (the place where you live in).
How can one word have multiple meanings and multiple variants? Simple. This is the law we are talking about. One term can have multiple variants. Some words can have dozens of variations, each with a subtle difference in definition and a subtle different in usage.
Let's look at the word "delivery" as it was used in a previous paragraph. Certainly, it must mean only one thing: the actual, physical act of giving possession or a symbolic delivery like giving a deed. Right? Nope. A person who thinks this way is absolutely wrong. There are at least seven different kinds of delivery listed in Black's Legal Dictionary. By looking at the definition in Black's, one might think there is no difference between constructive and symbolic delivery. There is, however, a difference between the two types of delivery, though very subtle. This might seem like a rare case, but there are some other examples of this type of extreme hair splitting.
According to Black's, there is at least a dozen different types of proceedings, each of which are different in nature in subtle means. There are fourteen different kinds of consideration. There are sixteen types of easements in Black's. There are over two dozen different types of jurisdiction listed in Black's. There are at least thirty different kinds of contracts. There are over thirty different kinds of judgments, though the actual number might be larger. Surprisingly, according to Black's, there are nearly eighty (yes, eighty) different kinds of evidence. How can the normal person, let alone the lawyer or law school student understand these differences, let alone remember all of them?
The simple answer? They can't. Even the law school student or lawyer who is supposedly trained to understand these things. How is this possible? Law school is supposed to teach law school students so they are effective lawyers. Wrong. Law school does a poor job in teaching these differences.
Law school supposedly teaches the student the law and how to apply the law to the facts at hand. In addition to teaching the law, the professor will teach some things that are not useful or applicable. But they will treat every word they utter as something vital to the legal education. The implicit statement made in lectures is the following: "listen and remember every single detail as one day, this seemingly trivial bit of information may save a client." It's never a human being, but a client, a person who will bring in a certain amount of income.
Yes, the law school final emphasized the importantance of applying the law to fact patterns, but given a three hour time limit, the people who do well are those who remember the law and can write it down on paper as quickly as possible. Even when given the opportunity to use notes and any other source of information, it still is a test of speed. It is a case of memorize information and regurgitate all of it at the end of the semester. Pump it out during a three hour exam.
Basically, to succeed, memorize the text of a textbook, memorize the law from cases, memorize the material from lectures. Once examination time rolls around, quickly and efficiently write everything down on paper in the time limit allowed. Spew it all out on cue. Deliver it without complaint. If you don't think you really learned anything, it doesn't matter. Give the law like we want it.
Consider the following situation. An ordinary man, maybe an absentminded professor, is asking his lawyer about his will. He asks a simple question and the lawyer starts spouting off a lengthy series of legalese, legalese that is piled higher and deeper as the seconds and minutes pass by. The man is confused, but he nods in agreement, not understanding a single word.
At the end of the conversation, the lawyer says, "Now, do you have any questions?" The lawyer knows there will be questions as he used a whole bunch of legalese. Every question that is asked means more answers to give. This means another hour he can bill. Possibly even more.
The man, being patient, is miffed. He has gone through the routine before. This time, he has decided to turn the tables.
What is his response to the question? How does he respond to the lawyer's question.
He says, "Modo itera omnia quae mihi nunc nuper narravisti, sed nunc Anglice?"
The lawyer replies, "What did that mean? That was in some foreign language! I didn't understand a single word you said!"
"You didn't understand me at all? I thought you did!"
"No I didn't! What exactly did you say?"
"I told you in Latin to repeat everything you told me, but only this time, say it in English."
"Latin? You expect me to understand Latin? That's a foreign language!"
"Actually, I did. After all, you expect me to understand everything you say."
Yes, this may be an extreme example, even humorous to be considered seriously. But think about it. The legal language makes things so benign. But consider if we told everything in plain English that everyone could understand. One might feel differently about using legalese if we repeated to ourselves what it really meant. It's not about forfeiting the ownership rights to one's place of residence, it's losing a house. What you say, quite literally, can mean the difference between life and death. Or, if one puts it into legalese, the difference between having a formal stay of execution declared by the Governor or having all appeals denied up to the US Supreme Court and having the sentence involving capital punishment duly executed. Words do make a difference.


CHAPTER FIVE: BEING ONE WITH NATURE
My feeling is we ran from animals for three million years. It's out time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn't care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.
--Greg Proops
Dolphin-safe tuna, that's a great thing if you're a dolphin. What if you're a tuna? Somewhere, there's a tuna flopping around a ship going, "what about me? I'm not cute enough for you?"
--Drew Carey
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
--George Carlin

Jake and Clarissa were walking down Washington Street, carrying bags of various shapes and sizes. In these bags were stylish clothing, hip jewelry, sweet-smelling bath supplies, books of all types, and other assorted items from a hectic morning focused on shopping. To be honest, Jake was carrying all of the bags except for one small bag. This may seem like an unfair distribution (though roughly 50% of the population may disagree), but it didn't bother Jake.
He really didn't mind carrying the bags that much. In Jake's mind, doing such things like carrying a inordinately large amount of bags was an expected part of any functional relationship. Yes, carrying bags for a female was a task that should be performed with little complaining done. It kept Clarissa happy.
When she was happy, Jake was happy for obvious reasons. An angry woman, as one clever wit mentioned in a poem, was a woe to man. Jake had seen enough relationships go badly due to unhappy females. It was simple logic, but given the inductive reasoning and the evidence, it was sound logic. Because of this, he was going to try his best to keep Clarissa happy. Even if it meant spending all day carrying bags.
"Are you tired?"
"Nope, I'm perfectly fine. I don't mind."
"I don't know...it is warm today."
"Hmm...it is warm, though not that much. But it is nice today."
Blue skies. Wispy, feathery, white cirrus clouds floating in the sky. It was warmer than normal for a mid-September day. Right now, it was in the mid-sixties. This was according to the electronic billboard that displayed the time and temperature at the downtown branch of West Federal Bank. If every day was like this, Jake would be a happy man. This only happened in the movies or in a perfect world. But it wasn't a movie or a perfect world, so Jake made the most of these nice days.
The people on the news talked about the warm weather. Ooh...the weather, so important. Yes, there was a war in Iraq, genocide in Darfur, and people were dying in other places due to war and violence. But the weather was much more important to talk about. That and celebrity gossip like some pop star going around town without underwerar. Back to the weather.
Pundits said this warm weather was due to the effects of global warming. One of two days above normal and it's global warming. Crazy. Real crazy.
Maybe the pundits forgot that last week, it was below normal across most of the country. By their strange logic, the cooler temperatures were due to global warming. Go try and figure that logic out. Jake had a keenly logical mind but this was one conundrum he could not figure out. He was of the opinion that maybe humans should see what the climate is really like in the future. Until then, it can't be considered global warming. It was a good sign of global warming, not global warming itself.
"It is nice today. I think I see your car."
"Mind if you open the trunk? It's kinda hard to get my keys you know."
"Oh sure."
Clarissa took his car keys from his pocket and opened the trunk. Jake carefully placed the bags into the trunk of his car. One cannot be too careful with such things. His car trunk, like the rest of his car, was clean, virtually spotless. Everything was neatly organized, not a thing out of place.
"So, where do you want to go? It's a little past noon."
"How about some lunch? There's a great Indian restaurant nearby called Tandoor. It just opened last week and I loved the food there. Food that will make smoke come out of your ears."
"Really? I've never ate a restaurant that managed to do that. But I'm willing to take that challenge."
"Then let's go."
Jake was suspicious of any claim of "food so hot/spicy that it can bring tears to anyone's eyes," let alone smoke from the ears. He had eaten at restaurants (mainly Indian and Thai) that claimed a dish was hot. When he tried the particular dish, he was disappointed by the heat level. Maybe it was hot to the Wonder Bread and Cheese Whiz crowd, but it was mild to him. He had eaten much hotter fare while in Great Britain.
This country is maligned as a country infested with bland, horrible food, but this was far from the truth. For a country that was cursed with blandness, Great Britain was blessed with great Indian and Thai places that served hot and spicy fare. The proper level should be so hot that it hurt. If it didn't feel like one was consuming lava, it wasn't right. The British thought this was the way things ought to be and he had to agree with them. The British also made excellent ales that quelled the heat so this additional fact might have colored his judgment towards the right level of spiciness.
His suspicions were dispelled once he walked through the door. The mellow scent of clarified butter and nutty yeast coming from naan baking on a tandoor. The pungent and distinct smell of allspice, tumeric, and coriander. The intense punch of curry and garam masala. The heat of chilies. This place was authentic Indian. No weak food was being served in this place.
They quickly found a table and a waiter efficiently gave them menus. Quick service.
Jake skimmed through the menu and found what he wanted.
"I would like the naan and the lamb vindaloo."
"Lamb vindaloo?" His tone suggested that Jake made a mistake, like Jake was a customer who made a mistake in ordering. "And how spicy would you like it?"
"As spicy as possible, please."
"Are you sure, sir?"
"Of course. Vindaloo is supposed to be hot."
"OK...naan and lamb vindaloo, very hot." A hint of apprehension. "And you, maam?"
"The samosas and the butter chicken."
"Excellent choice. And to drink?"
"I'd like the iced tea. What would you like Jake?"
"The same."
"Very good. Two iced teas. One naan. One samosa. One butter chicken and one lamb vindaloo."
While eating his lamb vindaloo (properly made and fiery), Jake overheard a crazy conversation. The group at the nearby table looked like normal people. From the suits they wore, they looked like professionals. In fact, they were scientists at a local medical firm. They were apparently vegetarians as Jake noted that they were eating navrattan, an Indian dish of nine vegetables in red sauce. In addition, they were ardent environmentalists. Nothing odd about that, especially in a college town with a reputation for being ultra liberal in a decidedly conservative state. There were a few stereotypical tree-huggers and granola eaters in this city. What made their conversation creepy was the fervent level they took their passion. It sounded laughable at first, but once you listened to it and how seriously they took their beliefs, the conversation became scary.
The first person, Red Hair, talked about how he went on vacation in Colorado, way up in the Rocky Mountains. The Rocky Mountains were beautiful, a lovely shade of purple with white caps of snow sitting on top. Amazingly blue skies, awesomely green trees, the refreshingly clean air filled with the scent of pine trees and the crisp smell of ozone. And then he ranted about how he visited Utah and in the middle of nowhere, he saw an ugly cloud of smog. It was disgusting.
Jake could agree with this. He had spent many vacations in Colorado, in the mountain, enjoying the clean air and the beautiful sights. Nature was a splendid thing. At its best, the planet was beautiful. He truly appreciated the splendor of it all. God was a brilliant artist. It was a shame to sully nature with strip mines and coal mines and power plants that shoot smoke and other chemicals in the air.
Blond hair man thoroughly agreed with these sentiments. And he added in how, when he first came here, he admired the variety of wildlife here. All the animals and wild game. He wanted to get up close and actually touch and feel the animals. Even now, after ten years here, he still was in awe of these animals.
Here, Jake was a little leery and in disbelief. Yes, there were many pretty animals in this part of the world. Deer and antelope and such. The birds were nice as well. There were, however, some very ugly animals, some very dangerous animals that he did not want to get close to. He wasn't much of a wildlife expert, but he knew there were several species of rattlesnakes (including two varieties of the aggressive and deadly diamondback), copperheads, cottonmouths, and some others he vaguely remembered. Jake definitely didn't want to get up and close to those animals. He had seen many beautiful things in his life like paintings, statues, symphonies, and buildings. The Sistine Chapel, the cave paintings at Lascaux, the Paris Opera House was just as beautiful. Much more worthy of serious discussion.
A man with a face like a rat joined in the polemic against modern man. Certain chemicals should be banned as they caused untold environmental destruction. Ah, but these modern chemicals were everywhere. Every modern convenience, many of which they probably used in their lives, needed these chemicals. The air filtering system used chemicals. The disinfectants used chemicals. Everything in their labs were based upon these modern chemicals. They probably used air conditioning. Even if the system didn't use CFCs, the substitute chemicals were just as bad, if not worse. Give up air conditioning? Not when it regularly reached the triple digits in the summer. Jake had spent time in the Death Valley area and trying to survive five minutes without air conditioning was torture.
But don't forget the hydroelectric power dams said the Red Hair man. Those people were evil, absolutely pure evil. The people who built and designed them were just as bad as Nazi war criminals. Everyone at the table nodded. Jake found their logic crazy. Yes, it was bad that rivers had to be dammed. It was bad that land got flooded. But it was a hydroelectric power dam. These dams generated electricity and people needed electricity. Hydroelectric power was clean and efficient, much cleaner than coal and oil. And it probably rankled less people than nuclear reactors.
Another round of agreement. What made them wacko in Jake's opinion was their undying love of all creatures on the planet Earth except humans. Well, not all humans. Their kind were absolutely fine, but everyone else, they were rotten. According to their logic, humans were like parasites. They destroyed everything they touched. They killed off animals and plants in large numbers. Because of this, humans had lost their right to live on Earth.
What the hell, thought Jake. This was messed up. There were numerous mass extinction’s on the planet Earth and they certainly weren't caused by humans, unless some managed to travel back in time to the age of dinosaurs. Shifting plates, asteroid impacts, and the resulting rapid climate change caused many of the mass extinctions in the past. The pre-Cambrian mass extinction wiped out 90% of the species living on the Earth and humans weren't involved in that. The Cretaceous extinction that wiped out the dinosaurs were the result of asteroid impacts and volcanic eruptions. No humans involved there. Mother Nature killed a lot of animals and plants, but you didn't hear the wacko environmentalists complain about the killer asteroids and lethal volcanoes.
Here, here, said the men. They all agreed that animals had rights. Plants had rights. We love all animals and plants of all types.
What the hell? Absolute rubbish. Prairie dogs and squirrels didn't file motions to prevent hawks from eating them. Hyenas didn't ask wildebeest if they could hunt one of their young or crippled members. No police was going to stop the rats from eating corn in a field. You didn't see a woodpecker sue oak trees for exuding sap that prevented them from pecking into trees. A right to live? Roaches deserved to live? Pest exterminators that killed cockroaches were murderers? Face to face with a spitting cobra, maybe an inland taipan, one of the deadliest snakes in the world? Hug a vial filled with Class Four bio-agents? Get personal with something like an STD? He doubted their sentiments.
Jake would like to see how they would react if their houses were infested with roaches, poisonous spiders, and other assorted insects and arthropods. Love all animals and plants? Jake liked certain animals more than other animals. Some he would like dead. He still wouldn't love poisonous animals and plants. He wouldn't love roaches. Most bacteria and viruses were non grata. Ebola wasn't something he would like to get well acquainted with, not in a billion, let alone a trillion lifetimes. Forget it.
The three men left and paid for their meals. Jake was relieved by this. He doubted he could stay calm with them sitting so close to him.
Clarissa asked, "So, how do you like the food here?"
Jake replied, "Excellent. It reminds me of the Indian food they serve in London."
"I told you the food was that good." She wiped up the rest of the butter sauce from her plate using some of Jake's naan. Then she added, as if she were reciting items from a grocery list, "You know those people sitting there? They were odd. Real creepy."
"I know. Those guys were ultra-fanatics. I wouldn't be surprised if they did some eco-terrorism. You know, the nails in trees, the liberation of animals, that kind of stuff."
"Yeah. I've read about them in one of my environmental law classes."
"Definitely strange. I think we might see them in the papers one of these days."
"I know. But enough about them. Was it hot enough for you?"
"Hmm. It was fiery, but not so hot that it was unpalatable. Could probably use a little more."
"What? Are you crazy?"
"Nope. It wasn't that hot. I've had hotter." He noted the time. "It's one PM right now. I think that your photos should be done by now."
At that moment, as if the waiter could predict when they were done, showed up at that time with the bill.
"And here is your bill. Did you find everything to your liking?"
Clarissa decided to answer. "Everything was delicious.""And you, sir. Was it too spicy?"Jake answered. "Nope, not too spicy. Almost as good as homemade."
"I shall tell the cooks of your approval."
And with that, the waiter left.
"You know, Clarissa, I think I'll pay for the bill. It's not that much."
"Fine with me. Where do you want to go next?"
"Where ever you want to go. Any place is fine with me."
And so, Jake and Clarissa left Tandoor (of course, after Jake paid the bill) in a happy mood. A good meal could do wonders. They walked out, hand in hand. Jake felt the sun streaming down on his face. Today was a good day. He could get used to this kind of weather, global warming or not. If it was global warming, that was fine. He would adapt. Humans did a good job in adapting.